Reposted Chapter 20: Drug Changes Change Rose

Things fell apart. Drug 4L had been added to drug 3S after the seizures during the holidays. At first drug 4L made Rose mean. Getting her schoolwork done was a battle. Either she would not or could not concentrate. Were these changes due to the new drug, the new homebound situation, or the seizures? Her ear infections continued, so antibiotics were frequently in the mix.
We kept records of all her drug dosages and combinations, along with seizure descriptions on a chart. We couldn’t keep all of it straight unless we wrote it down. The months were a blur of seizures, side effects and sickness. I read books about epilepsy and researched epilepsy drugs and treatments. It was all so confusing. How could we help our Rose if we did not understand this disorder and the effects of its medications? I felt helpless…

I don’t want accolades
or a standing ovation
I don’t want to be applauded to the very echo for being the best Mom but, Sometimes I ask myself if I’m doing it right
I ask myself if I’m not clutching you too tightly lest I squeeze you
I also ask myself if my grip is too firm because I don’t want you slipping away from my hands

I ask myself if I have fed you well enough or you still want some more
I’m scared to move away to do other things in fear that you open one eye and find an empty spot beside you
I’m afraid to even blink because I don’t want to miss a moment

I want to see you smile in your slumber
I want to see your toothless gums as you yawn
I want to see your face change every day as it takes…

(Then and Now on Chapter 19: Just a Mama)

I guess this still stings because it was the beginning of my letting go of a lot my expectations for myself and for Rose. Neurologist #1 had warned us about this. I did not want to hear it. She let us know that the path for Rose would no longer be straight. It felt like a slap at the time. Her words echoed in my mind many times through the years. I ended up appreciating these “mean” words.

I want to be clear here, Other Mothers, that this was not a lowering of my expectations for us, it was a morphing. We all have plans and aspirations. It was necessary to let go of these remote dreams and reach for goals that were near-by and doable. Flexibility became absolutely essential. Raising Rose required careful, slower steps to get where she is…

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive.” – Walter Scott

One of the most challenging questions to consider – when we learn we’ve been betrayed by our partner or spouse – is “Should I tell the children, or should it stay a secret?”

There is no easy answer to this very troubling question. It is something you must think through, and weigh up, for yourself. Also, it is better to be cautious than to make a rushed a decision; so here are a few factors to bear in mind …

1. Once the story has been shared it cannot be ‘unshared’. If you and your partner recover from this, and manage to build a completely different life, other people won’t forget. For years, it might influence how they see both of you.

2. Although you can choose to turn your back and walk away, the…

Image: Giver of Rainbow Diamond Light

“We walk by faith, not by sight.” -- Paul the Apostle 


The Origin  There is a sacred divinity within us all, a still, small voice of tenderness; calls. It’s in our ‘hearts, soul and understanding, our spiritual desires, evermore entrancing. It’s a longing, we are all yearning to find, with devout prayer and meditative mind. It’s in the psyche, the magic, the mystery, an insightful zone, uplifting to perceive. The truth is, ‘In’ there, it is not with out, a silence, you will hear, as it may shout. In ancient times, it was known as a gift, whereas today, that seems to contradict? Originally, known as, sacred and divine, now known as evil, distorted over time. What, why, when, where did this change, into the demonic and dread fully strange. Hidden in plain sight, the truth is ‘in’ there, It’s been written in the…